Mac’s much-anticipated recap of the year to be had that he had.
Wow! What an eventful and exciting year it has been for me and I know you want to hear all about it; but I hardly know where to start.
First of all, this letter is a bit early this year, but since I have been following the Mayan calendar, I figure it just might be my last one, so I wanted to get it to you by December 21. Just in case you are worried about what might happen at 11:11 AM on December 21, there is a way to get advance notice. Since Australia is a day ahead of us, you can get an early heads-up warning by going to a special web site www.stillthereaustralia.god/apocalypse on December 20. If you click on it and all that comes up is a bright light and somber church music, grab your ass and cell phone, go to the basement and dial 1-900-PRAY-4-ME. (There is a $2 per minute charge, but by the time you get the bill, you can literally “stiff” the company) For me, I have made arrangements to be at the International Date Line, so I will have the maximum amount of warning to get ready. Good luck!
Hey, isn’t this new technology thing wonderful?
Remember when we used to have to actually sit down and write out Christmas cards and greetings? That was so old school and time-consuming; it meant actually spending precious minutes on each person. Fortunately, technology has changed all that, because now all I have to do is pull up my contact list and just send off these digital greeting cards; no muss, no fuss, no time and no postage. Also I was able to download to my iPhone (iPhone 5 of course; waiting in line for 18 hours really paid off) a cool app (only $47) that had been developed for the Romney campaign. This app allows me to send automated robo-calls offering (seemingly personal) Christmas and New Year greetings to my entire contact list. The app is so sophisticated it calls in the middle of the night or when people are least likely to answer the phone and leaves the message, just as if I had actually taken the time to call.
Now Where Was I?
I guess the best place to start is really at the end of the year. The last few weeks have been frenetic because I was asked by the independent citizen-action group SAVE (Serious Attempt to Void Expenditures) to mediate between the Republicans and Democrats in an effort to help the country from hurtling off the Fiscal Cliff of economic damnation. I don’t want to take sides, but it has been frustrating dealing with Speaker Boehner and a group of hard-core Republicans who are convinced that the Mayan calendar is really a message from God and they don’t see any reason to get serious about the Fiscal Cliff until they know if we are going off the Mayan Cliff to oblivion.
In any event, since the Republicans want to make significant cuts in government programs – something the Democrats resist – and the Democrats want to significantly increase taxes – something the Republicans oppose, my solution is to give the Republicans the power to cut as much in government expenditures (except for defense, of course) as they desire and to give the Democrats the power to raise taxes (except on the bottom 47 percent of the population) as high as they desire. The result of these unfettered spending cuts and increased tax revenue, should easily eliminate the deficit, balance the budget and begin paying down the national debt. It is just so simple.
Trump this if you can
Of course, with 2012 being an election year, much of my time and effort was devoted to the presidential campaign. By coincidence and fortuitous happenstance, I ended up throwing my lot to Mitt Romney. This was really a difficult decision for me because after Sarah Palin punctured my balloon by deciding not to run, I was really leaning toward either Michele Bachmann or Tim Pawlenty, because they were the closest to my heart and, like me, they are from Minnesota. However, by chance, Donald Trump and I have the same hair stylist (Raffaello at The Mane Attraction) and color coordinator. Early in the year we happened to be in the salon at the same time and he told me (on a completely confidential basis) that he had absolutely incontrovertible proof that Obama was admitted to Harvard as “a foreign exchange student.” Trump told me he was going to demand the release of Obama’s admission application and transcripts, and that this information would “blow the lid of the campaign.” Even more, Trump felt this revelation could actually lead to Obama being declared an illegal alien and deported to Kenya. (Maybe that explains why more than 75 percent of the illegal immigrants in America voted for Obama.)
Recognizing that Trump should really know what’s happening, I got the confidential dope straight from the Donald and, of course, I saw no choice but to jump in with Romney. Besides, with Obama promising all these different “gifts” to those in the lower class of America, rich people needed someone to protect them and look out for their interests too.
Probably the most interesting time for me during the Romney campaign was when he visited me at my Sunset Key home in Key West in May. He invited me to accompany him on a number of fund raising events in Florida. The most fascinating of which was a $50,000 a person event in Palm Beach. I have to admit I was a bit perplexed to hear Mitt tell the group that he really needed their help because he had no chance of getting the votes of 47 percent of Americans, who he considered basically “freeloaders.” Afterwards, in the car, I asked him if he was at all concerned about making statements like that. He said, “Hey Mac, don’t worry about that. I was just talking to that group and that is what they wanted to hear. Besides, it was a private meeting and no one will ever hear about it.”
One exciting event for me this year was starting a new business. I got Bain Capital to partner with me to start a new dating service aimed specifically for men. We have a larger market for customers than most dating services, because we don’t care if the men are married or single. The name of the service is “Binders Full of Women.” You may recall that Romney gave our dating service a nice plug during the second debate. (I think he’s getting a piece of the action through Bain.) The business model for “Binders Full of Women,” is that the men contact us, tell us exactly what they want in and from a woman and pay their fee. We then send them a binder full of women (married or single) who meet their specs. While “Binders Full of Women” is off to a great start, we can’t claim any marriages yet; but we do know it has sparked a good number of affairs and divorces. (For privacy reasons, I can’t name him, but one very prominent former General in the Army was an early client.) I can report that Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain were also early customers and the feedback has been great.
What I Did in London
Probably the best time I had all year was when Romney invited me to travel in his group to the London Olympics. I know he got a lot of flak for standing in front of 10 Downing Street on his first day in London and telling the voracious English press that the British preparation for the Olympic Games seemed a bit befuddled and muddled. But Mitt later explained to me that there were no votes to be had in London and his comments were a calculated strategy to reinforce his support among the Mormons in Utah who had worked on the Winter Olympics and to appeal to the Northern Irish living in America.
The most memorable time in London was attending what for me has always been the most anticipated and exciting event – the equestrian dressage. This year it was even more exciting because Ann Romney’s horse Rafalca was participating. It was thrilling to see Rafalca in the event, but unfortunately she did not do too well. During the competition Rafalca would first veer to the right and then she would veer back to the left. Toward the end of the event the meandering maverick tried to get back to the center of the ring, but by then, of course, it was too late and failed to get a medal.
It was not a happy time, because I was concerned about the outcome, but I felt obligated to spend election evening with Mitt and the family. It was disappointing to see Romney lose, because he would have made an excellent president and it would have been great to hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing at the inauguration and to see that big gold angel blowing the bugle put on top of the Capitol dome. Romney was depressed because he had to come to the same conclusion I had to face a few years ago, and that was that he will not be President of the United States of America. It was good for me to be there, because I had personally experienced the depression he was feeling and I could cheer him up by letting him know that even though he would never be president, he does have a chance to have a reasonably productive life. I am sure that made him feel a lot better.
There is so much more I want to tell you about, but just don’t have space here. (If we survive December 21, I might do another letter.) I want to tell you about the Republican Convention; which was such a hoot. Like when I was sitting back stage and Clint Eastwood came up and asked if he could borrow my chair. But all of that is for a later time, if there is one.
And the Moral of the Story …
Here is a sincere hope that you and your family have had as interesting and eventful year as I and my family; and that next year (if there is one) will be even better for all.
Since I will be heading to the International Date Line to be there by December 20, this will be my final offering to you until what is hoped will be a new year. In any event: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and (hopefully) Happy New Year.